Newest Ginger Beer Just A Giant Angry Ginger Root That Jumps Out Of The Can And Slaps You Unconscious

Dreams have this week become reality for ginger beer lovers worldwide as Big Ginge released their newest product “RANG”, a giant angry ginger root that jumps out of the can and slaps you unconscious. Speaking about the release, spokesperson for Big Ginge, Erin Gill, explained, “RANG was only possible thanks to recent technological advancements in ginger beer production techniques, something this innovative simply wasn’t possible 5, or even 2 years ago. Consumer pressure for more aggressive ginger experiences has really driven our developments.” “We didn’t need to do any dedicated market research because our consumers are so passionate and would write to us flat out. At Big Ginge we value our customers’ opinions and they were all, in unison, saying ‘slap me into a fucking coma with the amount of ginger you’ve squeezed into that fucking can’.” “So we’ve taken that sentiment and run with it and what our research and development teams came up with is truly groundbreaking.” One particularly vocal consumer, and self proclaimed “Ginger-nut”, Mike Zingini, 54, remarked, “Yeah I’ve been spamming beverage companies with emails for about 20 years about this so I’m over-the-moon that someone’s finally come through.” “Like I’ve said in numerous letters, when I drink a ginger beer I don’t want just a taste of ginger, I want my ancestors to get ginger poisoning”, Mike continued, “I want my tongue to fall out of my mouth from the level of ginger exposure it’s experienced. I wanna wake up in a paddock with no clue how I got there aside from the persistent tingle of ginger on my lips.” “I tried it for the first time other day and when I came to I was like, ‘now THAT’s good ginger beer’. RANG is the first effervescent liquid-based ginger experience that has even come close to what I dream about.”

Big Ginge spokesperson Erin was not at all surprised by the overwhelmingly positive response from consumers, “We feel like we really caught lightning in a bottle on this one and are fulfilling a desperate need. It really is a transformative full-body experience and as a bonus, once the ‘ginger gremlins’, as we call them, have ‘serviced the customer’ they usually run off into the bush to die so there’s zero clean up involved.” “Believe the hype is all I’m saying! So as we say at Big Ginge, GO BIG! BANG A RANG!" Asked about the potential risk of concussions and Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy from consumers being repeatedly slapped unconscious, Big Ginge’s spokesperson pretended to take a phone call and walked away. More to come. MARTINA SCHMITT - Science