Career Counsellor Never Seems To Recommend Pursuing Career Counselling

“I know it looks like I have it all, but my life is dogshit”, said Career Counseller, Bob Carney.

A group of Year 12 students at Strandwell High School have this week raised concerns that their Career Counsellor, Bob Carney, has not once recommended pursuing Career Counselling. “It’s like he’s protecting his patch or something”, said Year 12 student representative Zeke, “he must be on a pretty good wicket to be playing his cards this close to his chest, I reckon.”

Bob, who’s a regular at local amateur snooker comps, explained, “They must see how I carry myself and assume that it’s all rainbows, and I get it. They see my collared shirt, my Casio, driving my semi-vintage Volvo and deduce that I live a playboy lifestyle, but honestly my life is terrible.” “Students compliment me all the time, calling me ‘rooter’ and ‘big dog’ and that kind of stuff”, Bob said, visibly chuffed, “If I got a dollar for every time a student praised my ‘rizz’, I wouldn’t have to quit smoking, which’d be nice because it’s the best part of my day.”

“So I know it looks like I have it all, but my life is dogshit.”

“All they see is that cool teacher who gives them Tic Tacs straight from his pocket, they don’t see me watching Law and Order reruns through tears because I just burnt the roof of my mouth on a microwaved meatlovers pizza.”

The Year 12 students did admit to the author that they’ve been taking the piss for a laugh at Bob’s expense, and his bleak life is obvious to any passersby.

“Yeah he doesn’t hide it well”, remarked Zeke, “We don’t feel great about it but we did lay off him for a while when he stopped wearing his wedding ring." “And we figure that he’s oblivious enough to our sarcasm that we’re not really harming anyone.”  

Notifying Bob of this development, he conceded, “Ah well, it’s not the first time they’ve got one over on me and it won’t be the last.” “Things aren’t going great but I’ve got this week’s winning lottery ticket right here in my pocket and then it’s no more housemates for ol ‘Bobby C’, just you wait…”

Editor: Since this interview, Bob Carney was sadly struck and killed by a mobility scooter while bending down to pick up a coin.

Vale Bob Carney, a man celebrated for protecting Australia’s youth against repeating his tragic life decisions, who leaves behind a ‘97 Volvo 960 sedan, a Grateful Dead Greatest Hits CD and an adoring waifu pillow.

R.I.P.

DRAVEN HONK - Editor

Image Credits: [Parts of original images used in collage for parody available via Canva.com]