Survey Finds 100% Correlation Between Making Chatterboxes At School And Becoming A ‘Girlboss’

“No one’s surprised”, said Paediatric Business Psychologist, Jill Fantano.

The data analysed from a recent business survey has revealed that 100% of young women who regularly made chatterboxes at school go on to become ‘Girlbosses’. “The making of chatterboxes, or Fortune Tellers, Cootie Catchers, etcetera depending on where you grew up, is one of the earliest signs of strategic and entrepreneurial thinking”, explained Paediatric Business Psychologist, Jill Fantano. “No one’s surprised by the findings", Jill said, "We’ve long-held this theory as fact so it’s great to have supportive fresh data from current-day girlbosses reflecting on their school years.” “These young women were basically putting on their ‘business consultant’ hats every time they folded one up”, she explained, “They noticed an unmet demand in the market of rudderless peri-pubescent teens around them; their unmanaged anxieties about basically everything, particularly the future. Then they created a workable solution to meet said demand; an origami tool that provided strategic direction and reassurance about their lives. And most of them used a fee-for-service model, trading ‘readings’ for bites of sandwiches and roll-ups.”

Jill encouraged parents to look at the full survey report for guidance in raising ambitious, brutally decisive and adequately sociopathic women to excel in the cut-throat world of business, but had one simple take-home message.

“My advice to the parents of kids who are displaying this origamic behaviour is simple; don’t do anything, they’re all over it, if you have some spare cash give it to them, but otherwise just get the fuck out of the way.”

“Because the other major long-held theory around business acumen and entrepreneurial savviness is that you’re either born with it or you aren’t, so once you’ve birthed them just sit down and clear the path, you’ve done all you can.” Most people are familiar with the saying, ‘you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink’, well in the world of paediatric business psychology, Jill Fantano says, “if you birth a horse that loves drinking, you’re in fucking business.” More to follow.

PENELOPE CHUD - Business