Rich Geriatrics Buying Electric Cars Can’t Control Their Own Sphincters Let Alone A Car Capable Of 0-100kmh in 3 Seconds Flat

“An ageing population is scary enough, but an ageing population driving high torque electric cars is an absolute nightmare.”

A recent spate of pedestrians being killed by elderly drivers has brought the issue of car safety back into the headlines, and experts are warning that it will only worsen as Electric Vehicles (EVs) gain further popularity among rich geriatrics who can barely control their own sphincters, let alone a high torque car.

The trend, which is bad news for anyone hoping to use a zebra crossing and survive, means that a significant proportion of high performance EV owners are over the age of 70 and in various states of sensory and mechanical decay. “We’ve seen an alarming increase in over 70’s buying EVs over the last five years”, said Kim Bingle, a Data Analyst for Austroads, “and unsurprisingly, the pedestrian death toll has increased by 50% over the same period.” “The amount of people getting hit at speeds over 200kmh while waiting for buses has skyrocketed.”

“Unfortunately the regulations haven’t quite caught up with the data we’re seeing. While strict laws prevent the sale of guns to children, no such laws exist to stop the sale of what is effectively also a deadly weapon, an EV in the limp grip of a senior citizen.”

Occupational Therapist and Driving Assessor, Veronica Fender, shared similar concerns. “An ageing population is scary enough, but an ageing population driving high torque EVs is an absolute nightmare”, she remarked. “Safe driving requires sight, hearing, sensation and power in your limbs, as well as the ability to process information and make appropriate decisions in real time”, explained Veronica, “Sadly,  most of the elderly drivers I assess have been driving around with none of these skills for years.” 

“Add some toilet-related urgency from failing sphincters and a vehicle that goes from 0-100kmh in 3 seconds, and you have yourself a pedestrian killing machine. ”Veronica recommended some techniques for pedestrians to reduce their risk of death-by-fossil.“Never sit at tables out the front of cafes. If you absolutely have to cross a road, check both ways five times and then sprint across. And if your lounge room is near your front fence, I wouldn’t even go in there until the local RSL’s ‘Seniors Early Bird Dinner Special’ has been over for 45 minutes.” 

Whether they’re silently sneaking up under 30kmh behind you or flying at 225kmh through a packed arcade, the aged and decrepit are driving overpowered EVs, so look out. They aren’t far from the grave and, in the 5 seconds it takes them to blink, they don’t mind taking you with them.

DRAVEN HONK  - Editor [Portions of images used in collage for parody, available via Canva.com]