Owner of New Veneers Learns the Hard Way To Never Go As White As The Dentist Recommends

Unveiling his eye-catching new veneers this week, a local man has learnt the hard way that you should never go as white as your dentist recommends.

After letting his fully qualified dentist guide his decision, Craig, 42, came away with teeth a shade of white that has never before been seen in the natural world. 

This is something his mates made perfectly clear to him immediately. “When I walked into the pub they were already doubled over laughing”, he said, “they’d spotted my pearly whites from across the carpark.”

“They’ve started calling me Nigel after that bloke from the Wild Thornberrys and I think this one’s gonna stick for a while unfortunately.”

Craig admitted that the poor reception wasn’t that surprising as he’d copped a few early warning shots. “As I was leaving the Dental Practice someone’s guide-dog snarled at me and barely 2 minutes later a little kid walking past started screaming because ‘that big bad man ate the sun’.”

Having put his trust in the “professional opinion” of his dentist, Craig complained, “I thought they’d understand that I just wanted nicer looking teeth, I don’t need them to glow in the fucking dark. I can barely sleep if my mouth’s open because the room’s too bright.”

“I chose ‘Great Barrier Reef’ at first but he convinced me that ‘Santorini’ would ‘settle in’ and I believed him, like an idiot”, he explained, “the only thing settling in at the moment is the realisation I dropped $15k on teeth that make me look like a muppet.”  

“9 out of 10 dentists are taking the absolute piss honestly.”

“Ah well this is my life now so I’ve got to just get on with it and focus on the positives”, Craig said, desperately looking for silver linings, “My chances of getting hit by a car at night are way down and I’ll never have trouble finding the toilet in the dark so it could be worse.” More to come. RUTH HOOVER. Entertainment & Lifestyle