MCG Grand Final Turf To Get Final Tick of Approval From World-Renowned Grass Consultant

“He says he’s the best in the bizzle”, said AFL CEO Andrew Dillon.

As preparations at the MCG ramp up ahead of this week’s Grand Final, the AFL are ensuring the turf is premium-grade by engaging the services of world-renowned “Grass Consultant”, Snoop Dogg.

“We need the turf to be absolutely perfect”, said AFL CEO Andrew Dillon, “so we’ve spared no expense to secure the services of the most highly regarded grass expert in the world.”

“Snoop’s come very well recommended from basically everyone we’ve talked to and he says he’s the best in the bizzle so it was a no-brainer for us.”

Citing safety and the importance of delivering high quality entertainment, Andrew justified the AFL’s decision to spend $5 million dollars on a single consultant. “Look I get that it sounds like a lot of money at face value, but we need premium-grade turf so the players can safely put on a show and Snoop has assured us that he will ‘puff that green’ and make our ‘kush’ as ‘dank’ as possible.. or something like that.”

“So hold your critiques because on Grand Final Day your jaws will hit the floor at the sight of 5 million dollars worth of top-shelf grass.”

The gravity of the occasion doesn’t seem to have phased Snoop so far with Mr Dillon admitting, “I get very nervous about these things personally, but he’s been chill, like, very very chill. I’ve never seen a consultant, or anyone for that matter, look as relaxed as Snoop.”

“I video-called him last night and told him it's gonna be the Brisbane Lions versus the Geelong Cats and he really kept his composure, it was incredible. He must’ve been at a loss for words because surely no-one is that unflappable.”

Asked why Willie Nelson was never approached for the lucrative job, Mr Dillon replied, “I thought he was dead, honestly.”

More to come.

JED LAFLEUR - SPORTS