AFP Audit Finds That Most Outlaw Bikie Gangs Are Exclusively Undercover Cops

Following extensive covert operations against organised crime for decades, the Australian Federal Police (AFP) have taken stock and realised that 100% of the members in the worst offending outlaw bikie gangs are actually undercover cops. AFP spokesperson Tazen Cuff responded to the audit report, “Yeah look, the shoe’s on the other foot, we’re here putting OUR hands up…”, pausing for laughter before adding, “and taking full responsibility for this major stuff up, we’re suuuper soz.” “We knew we had a strong plain-clothes presence in these major criminal organizations, we just didn’t realise it was up to 100%, so yeah we dropped the ball a smidge and are ready to cop the consequences.” “Although, I do want it to be clear that it was an administrative error from the higher ups so we shouldn’t be blaming our dedicated officers.” 

“They’ve just been doing what they need to do when undercover, which is to assume the duties of a bikie gang member to avoid raising any suspicions that they’re cops. These duties typically involve anything from riding a motorcycle to assaulting people, and all of the logistics that come with distributing commercial quantities of illicit drugs throughout the community."

“It’s just a pity they didn’t realise that they were all cops all along because it would have saved them heaps of effort, and a fair bit of criminal activity as it turns out.”

Data gathered over the last ten years reveals that the bikie gangs in question are responsible for approximately 96,000 serious criminal offences and have distributed $57 billion in street value of methamphetamines and other illicit drugs across Australia. 

“Yeah that’s our bad, soz about that”, Tazen said, “Unfortunately the person responsible for checking this stuff along the way didn’t have a high enough security clearance to be privy to that information. So they were given information on a need-to-know basis and, in retrospect, they probably needed to know a bit more than they got.” 

The oversight by AFP officials had disastrous outcomes, but Tazen was quick to highlight the positives. “On the plus-side, we’ve found out heaps about how bikie gangs operate and to the credit of our fine undercover officers, their operations have become so much more organised and efficient over the last ten years.” “I don’t think a bunch of bikies could distribute that much product or make anywhere near that much cash... but again we’re very very soz about all this.”

More to come.

DRAVEN HONK - Editor-in-chief