Report: Smack-Free Households Produce The Most Smack-able Kids

Well overdue a walloping.

A groundbreaking study published by The Behavioural Institute (TBI) has concluded that kids brought up in smack-free households could really do with a good smacking. Inspired by experiences with his nieces’ and nephews’ behaviour and the lacklustre response of their doormat parents, TBI Lead Scientist Pete Reddish set out to answer the question “am I wrong to want to wallop these kids?” Conducted with a cohort of 2,000 children over a period of 12 years, the intervention group of 1,016 kids were smacked 3 times a week by a team of specially trained research assistants who, in order to avoid influencing any other variables, would sneak up on each child, deliver the prescribed smack and then leave without saying a word. In contrast, children in the control group received reassuring winks triweekly over the same 12 year period. Speaking to the findings, Pete revealed that unsurprisingly, “the smacked group saw positive results across the board with a 64% reduction in ‘throwing tennis rackets’, a 57% reduction in ‘time spent riding scooters’ and 38% less ‘stalling in pass-the-parcel’. Interestingly, the smacked group also improved positive markers with a 53% increase in ‘steadily holding a torch for Dad’ and a 27% increase in ‘calming the fuck down in cafes’. Reflecting on the academic achievement, Pete continued, “It was hard yakka but with the help of our dedicated research assistants we were able to deliver almost 2 million smacks to kids, yield statistically significant results and have fun doing it. Overall, it’s been an incredibly rewarding experience.” The research team at TBI are building on their findings and will now explore whether delivering a single onslaught of a lifetime’s accumulated missed smacks to long overdue adults will yield similar positive behavioural changes. More findings to come. MARTINA SCHMITT. Science & Health