Promising New Form of Shock Therapy Just Abrupt Exposure To Doctor’s Bare-Naked Knees

A promising new ‘shock therapy’ has emerged in the treatment of refractory depression that, in place of the traditional electrical shock, uses sensory shock by exposing patients to something both unwelcome and deeply unsettling, the sight of their doctor’s bare-naked knees.

‘Knee Exposure Therapy’, or ‘KET’, has recently entered the human testing phase of clinical trials and is producing promising results, reports Lead Clinical Researcher, Colin Hamm.

“We’ve had some pretty amazing results with KET so far”, said Colin, “A significant proportion of subjects have gone from ‘catatonically depressed’ before the intervention, all the way up to ‘apathetically disgusted’, which is a huge improvement.”

Offering insights into the practicalities of the trial, he explained, “the subject is wheeled into a dimly lit low-stimulus room facing a two way mirror. Unbeknownst to them, their regular doctor is standing on the other side wearing shorts that are strictly ‘mid-to-late 1980’s footy shorts’ in-length so their knees are on full display. To administer the intervention we then turn off the two way mirror and brightly illuminate the doctor for a total visual exposure period of five minutes and it’s all done.” “And if the subject looks away our assistants redirect them, but most of them are catatonic so it really hasn’t been an issue so far”, he chuckled.

The feedback from participants has been more mixed. “I haven’t slept a wink in three weeks due to intrusive flashbacks“, said one participant, “There are just some knees you should never see.” Others responded more positively, remarking that, “this treatment has been absolutely life changing. I don’t know who I was or what I was doing before this. I literally can’t remember any of it. What’s my name? Do I have a family? All I know is I’m here, my eyes are open and I’m excited to find these things out.” Colin thinks KET has immense potential, in part, due to its transferability between practitioners and ease-of-application. “Early data suggests it doesn’t matter what gender your doctor is, or how hairy they are, the shocks delivered have all been significant. Scars and poorly controlled skin conditions certainly evoke larger responses but are overkill, if anything.” “And it’s such a simple treatment to administer, I envision a future for healthcare where patients line up at the beach or local pool to gawk their doctor’s uncovered pins, and flick them a gold-coin for their trouble.”

If these positive results continue, Colin expects the Pharmacy Guild of Australia and Australian Dental Association to be kicking down the door in no time, so prepare to see your dentist’s and pharmacist’s bony knee caps on full display in the near future. 

More to come.

MARTINA SCHMITT - Health