Relentless Arm Grazes from Barber’s Flaccid Cock Savvily Rebranded as Complementary Massage

“It’s just like Reiki, only it’s delivered by my supple hog”, he said.

In a shrewd move, an inner city barber has this week leveraged his skillset and for every haircut is now offering a complementary “arm-focused wellness massage” courtesy of his ever flaccid cock. Sage Ristretto, the principal barber and owner of Wolf Alpha Dog Alpha Wolf Barber Shop, explained that, “with the cost of living crisis, barely anyone wants to fork out $70 for ‘just a haircut’, so this is a great way of adding value for both the client and myself. I make money, and clients get a tender nurturing massage from my limp dong.” The move has been especially seamless as Sage hasn’t had to change his practices at all.  “I wish I’d thought of it sooner. I’ve been massaging clients pro bono with my soft schlong for 15 years now so I’ve basically been running a charity.” “With me, it’s not only deliberate, but also therapeutic”, Sage continued, “It’s just like Reiki, only instead of using hands, it’s administered by my supple hog.” Speaking to the results of his unique approach to massage therapy, Sage described life-changing outcomes. “I’ve had blokes come in with ‘Tennis Elbow’ so bad they can barely open our front door, but after only one session of floppy dicking they’re cartwheeling all the way home.” “It’s actually really beautiful”, Sage contemplated deeply as his eyes began to well up, “it’s like releasing a bird that you’ve nursed back to health and watching it fly off into the big wide world while you count all the cash they left you.” Ever the entrepreneur, Sage has asked us to mention that he is currently looking for jingle ideas for the upcoming ad and has welcomed submissions to sage@wolfalphadogalphawolf.com from anyone who can effectively communicate the theme of “nurturing wellness”, while finding a rhyme for “slack schmeat”. Watch this space. PENELOPE CHUD. Business & Finance